


The Thanksgiving Tomfoolery - Part 1

by Lunan95



Series: Red vs Blue - Fictlets 2019 [6]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: AI Program Sigma (Red vs. Blue) Being a Dick, Agent York (Red vs. Blue) Lives, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Blue Team Wash, Discussed Identity Issues, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Mentioned AI Fragments, Red Team York, Reds and Blues Family, Team Dynamics, Thanksgiving, and a jealous motherfucker, and sigma just fucking failed instead, i guess, it's just mentioned, lmao omicron became a human through quincy, sigma is pretty much transphobic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-01 19:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21147932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunan95/pseuds/Lunan95
Summary: The gang tries to celebrate their first Thanksgiving in ages. The results isn't always as they're planning and since the plan sucked, it got changed...a lot.But somehow Grif takes charge at the turkey, Quincy is still acting like a child, Carolina has an non-existent competition in peeling potatoes, Sarge manages to traumatize York and Caboose had a "secret" activity with Quincy which Church loses his shit over.Nothing like the holidays, huh?Part 1 of the Thanksgiving Tomfoolery





	The Thanksgiving Tomfoolery - Part 1

"Hm, okay. I think we have exactly everything that should cover a normal, traditional Thanksgiving dinner." Simmons nodded satisfied as he went through the inventory list and checked off everything they needed.

Quincy stared at the turkey. "Simmons...it's staring at me!"

"What? It's not even alive, it's dead!" Simmons exclaimed incredilously. "It doesn't even have a head, look!"

"I don't wanna look!" Quincy wailed and covered her eyes from the horrofic sight.

Simmons growled. "Oh, you're such a child..." He muttered and double checked the inventory list again. "Aside from Quincy's interruption, we should go through the plans again."

Grif groaned. "What plans? We just cook, it's super easy!"

"Well, everyone can't take chare about the turkey either!" Simmons shot back and cleared his voice. "Ahem! So, I'm going to handle the turkey. This will be first time for me, though...never cooked an entire turkey before."

Grif stared.

"Do you know how to do it?"

"Um, in theory. I mean, Thanksgving isn't exactly common back home and I'm Dutch-Irish." Simmons stammered back and flushed red. "Besides, I've been researching and if I follow the recipe exactly as it says, then-"

"Nope. Move, loser!" Grif pushed him aside and grabbed the checklist for himself. "Alright, I take over now because I don't want the fucking dinner to suck ass."

Simmons looked like he wanted to explode. "Grif!"

"Yeah, that's my name." The Hawaiian snarked back. "Anyways, I'll fix the turkey. I did once or twice, it was alright before money got tight. You can do the filling, big nerd. It's pretty easy and you like following the recipe anyways."

"Why should we need exact recipe for the stuffing, but not the turkey itself?" uincy asked. "Isn' it the same thing?"

"Nope and shut your little mouth now, fill it with candy instead. I decide now." Grif smirked. "You can wash the cranberries, kid. You're making the sauce. Donut, peel the potatoes. You're gonna boil them and make mashed potatoes."

Donut lit up. "Oh, we need butter then! For the mashed potatoes, it's absolutely the best to go with the juicy-"

"No." Grif shook his head.

"Uh, the moist-" Donut tried again.

"No!" Simmons sighed.

"Okay, the wet-"

"Just say it's gonna be good!" Quincy pleaded. She was a very impressionable girl, after all.

"-with the good turkey!" Donut took it, his usual innocently sexual remark were averted.

Simmons suddenly came to think of it. "Where's Sarge?"

"He said he were going for a secret mission!" Quincy chirped. "He took off this morning, he said he'll be back before Grif explodes the kitchen and the Blues raids the snack stashes."

"Alrght, we don't have to worry about Sarge turning the turkey into a crazy Blue-attacking cyborg then." Grif shrugged. "Okay, let's do this!"

* * *

"Don't go outside, guys." Doc sighed.

Quincy looked up, she were currently handwashing the cranberriesfor the sauce she was gonna make. "Why's that?"

"Well, Donut suggested peeling the potatoes as a friendly game and Carolina is there!"

Simmons paled. "Oh God."

"Well, fuck." Grif groaned, he just rinsed the turkey and were patting it dry with a paper towel. "Good news, we're gonna have buckets of peeled potatoes before the hour's done. Where's Wash?"

"In the Blues' kitchen, making the pies. He decided for pumpkin pie, cinnamon apple pie and some mince pies. Caboose is making cookies, it's the only thing he knows what to do without accidently poisoning Church."

"Assuming an AI can eat food..." Simmons trailed off.

"Didn't Sarge made a body for him?" Quincy asked. "I mean...he did before."

Simmons sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No...it was Grey at Chorus. Funny that science is so advanced that anyone can grow a human body and Church can go pretend being real."

"He's gonna be pissed if you say it like that!" Quincy laughed.

"The fucker's gonna be pissed, no matter what." Grif snorted and slammed the oven door shut. "Alright, this bird's stuffed and now, it's going in the oven for like...an hour." He dusted off his hands, looking very satisfied. "Yup, break time~!"

"It's so odd to see you work so hard on that turkey, Grif." Simmons mused as he fried sauteéd brussel sprouts in the pan. "I was so sure you were gonna take the easiest job and then slack off."

"Can't slack off without a bunch of food for my traditional Thanksgiving food coma." Grif smirked, he hauled an Oreo package from his pocket and ripped it open. "By this time tomorrow, I'm still in bed on cloud nine and safe from doing the dishes. This turkey is worth it."

Simmons chuckled. "Yeah, no doubt. Where did you learn to cook like that?"

"Food Network." Grif smirked. "I got to do something at the evenings before this shitty army and when I didn't worked with the cars, I used to binge-watch the cooking shows."

"Grif, am I doing this right?" Quincy injected and pointed at the sauce she were making.

Grif took a quick look. "Yeah, it looks fine. It's done."

"Oh great!" Quincy beamed of pride. "What am I gonna do now?"

"Go outside, try to find nice leaves to decorate the table. And maybe some of those red berries in the trees."

Quincy grinned, taking on the challenge as she always did. "Can do!" She shouted and ran out. "Hey, Carolina!" They heard her chirp and then a yelp.

Yup, Carolina most likely growled at her. It was better to pretend they didn't knew her when she were in the middle of another "competitive streak".

* * *

Wash braided the dough strips, just as he remembers from the recipe book. He wanted the apple pie to see at least a little fancy, for this holiday. It was rare that they could have a small break to celebrate the holidays together.

The pumpkin pie were in the oven since before. The mince pies were covered by aluminium foil, so the pies remained warm.

"I think it's enough with chocolate chip cookies, Caboose." Wash said as he walked to a cupboard, grabbing the jar of cinnamon spices. "We've already done two batches of them. We don't need you to throw up the cookies, right?"

Caboose frowned. "No...that would be bad. I like cookies."

"Yes, we know. And you like them best with orange juice, right?"

"Yeah. Orange juice is the best. Especially sharing with best friends. Like Church!" Caboose chirped.

Church sighed as he lied in the couch at the common areas, reading one of Grif's Blade comics. "Yeah, yeah...orange juice is nice." He said dismissively.

"And Quincy." Caboose added.

"Yup." Church said.

It went a couple of seconds.

"What?!"

"Wait, what?" Wash looked up, he stopped mixing cinnamon and sugar in a bowl.

Tucker nearly dropped the pot of newly boiled macaronis. "What the fuck?!" He yelled in shock.

Caboose looked very indifferent to their state of shock, like they were idiots and he was the smartest of the bunch. "Yes. Me and Quincy drink orange juice together. And she shares candy with me. It's very secret!"

Wash didn't knew what to say. Normally Carolina would take over...if it wasn't for she had a non-existent contest in peeling most potatoes with Donut outside. Church's brain seemed to short-circuit. Tucker gaped like a fish.

He cleared his voice, uncomfortably. "Caboose..." He began slowly. "How long have you been sharing orange juice with Quincy?"

"Oh, since Blood Gulch. She were so sad Tex went away. They were best friends. And I said I could be her not-girl best friend until Tex comes back. So we shared orange juice. And cookies. And we did very secret things in the caves."

Church made a high-pitched strangled noise. Tucker fought to not laugh at him.

"We did it everyday."

Tucker stared. "Everyday?" He shrieked hysterically.

"Yes, the very secret thing." Caboose remarked.

Wash cleared his voice again. "Okay, Caboose. How about you go to Carolina and see what she's playing for game? I'm sure she wants to win again." He said as clearly and gently he could, this was somewhat a...sensitive matter.

"Oh! Then I must find a prize for her!" Caboose exclaimed and ran out from the kitchen, he were most likely going to give Carolina chestnuts, stones and red maple leaves again.

Tucker released the bomb.

"What the fuck just happened?!" He yelled.

"Tucker, take it easy!" Wash quickly took out the pumpkin pie from the oven and shoved inside the cinnamon apple pie instead. "We don't know for sure if they did it-"

"Alright, fuck this holiday. I'm gonna shoot the Reds." Church threw away the comic and jumped off the couch, going for the sniper rifle.

"Church, sit your ass down!" Wash snapped at him. "And Tucker, they did not have sex! It's not what you think!"

"Wash, do you like under a fucking rock?" Tucker shot back. "Of course they had sex! What else would the "secret thing" be? And they did it everyday at Blood Gulch!"

Wash silently counted to ten, calming himself. "There's many things you can do that's not sex! Caboose has done a lot of "secret things" that's safe and innocent...most of the part."

"Like shooting me?" Church scoffed.

"Aside from that..." Wash trailed off. "The point is, it's not sex! I know Quincy, she isn't that type!"

"How do you know that, Wash? Did you have a torch for her in the Freelancer ship or what?" Tucker grinned.

"No! Fuck, she was younger than me. That would've been wrong!" Wash turned beet red at that. "Besides, I'm pretty sure Texas would've killed me if I did."

Tucker cackled. "Amen to that. Tex threatened to rip off my dick if I tried anything about Quincy. Is the kid her ward or something?"

"In a way." Wash mumbled. "In a very weird and probably painful way."

Church sat down at the kitchen chair, he didn't thought it was funny at all. He crossed his arms and grumbled.

"Can't believe Caboose is practically engaged now."

* * *

Sarge did return eventually with a very traumatized York.

"I'm not going alone with him again..." York muttered as he barged into the Red kitchen, he tore open the fridge door and grabbed a can of beer. "It was a fucking nightmare! He seriously tackled a guy at the aisle floor for nearly taking the last package of Strawberry Yoohoo! I have to do damage control!"

Grif laughed at his bad luck. "Tough luck, dude. Shortest stick, bad luck."

"Orange fucker..." York growled annoyed and collapsed on a chair. "And Carolina is in a competition with peeling potatoes...with herself. Donut is barely keeping up. I'm pretty sure contests can class as her addiction."

"Did you stop smoking then?" Grif raised an eyebrow.

"Fuck that."

"Then don't fucking preach, man." The Hawaiian scoffed.

York weren't amused. "When is dinner done? I'm hungry!" He whined.

"Patience, York. If you want the perfect Thanksgiving buffet, it will come and it will be glorious." He smirked. "Tomorrow we're gonna lie around and do nothing, give into the vast food coma."

York imagined it. "I gotta plan a good hiding spot, away from Carolina or she'll kick my ass again."

Quincy snickered. "Like how she kicked your ass when she found out you were alive here? Never heard a man scream like a girl."

"You shut up, you little brat!" York said playfully and sipped on his drink. "You paid fifty bucks to Wash, I saw you!"

"From that fucking tree? I thought Carolina yanked it off it's roots?" Simmons asked.

"Nearly did. Scared the crap outta me!" York said and supressed a shudder. Ah, he loved his fierce girlfriend, but she were terrifying!

Grif smirked. "Don't worry, man. I'll give you a nice eulogy on your wedding."

"Fuck your nerd instead, Grif." York teased him back and Simmons spluttered, unable to form words.

* * *

Quincy had a fun time with Donut and Carolina, all of the potatoes were peeled and no one knew how, but Donut somehow found a large cauldron and all of the potatoes were boiling now beneath a campfire.

Carolina didn't enjoyed her time though.

"Where the hell is York?"

"Oh, he's probably being lazy with Grif again." Donut chimed. "He did that a lot when Tex dragged him to Blood Gulch and just said he was gonna be a Red, keep an eye on Quincy and make sure O'Malley...I mean Omega stays away from her."

Carolina stared. "York is a Red?"

"Oh yeah, that was really fun! Sarge got himself a new favorite, so Simmons got really mad!" Quincy laughed at the memory. "It was nice to talk to Delta again, though. It felt like old times, just less...stressful."

Donut looked between them, wary of what happened last time Carolina even heard of the name "Tex".

"Why was Omega after you?" Carolina asked with crossed arms. "I thought your protector had him under control."

Quincy felt a bit cold. "Well, Donut accidently killed Tex and Caboose used his radio just then, so Omega jumped to him and turned him crazy for a while."

"Three months." Donut remarked. "And then so much crazy things happened. Omega jumped into Doc, so he tried to kill us all and take over the universe. So we traced him to that windmill thing! But then he saw the thing on Quincy's stomach and he got really mad, he tried to kill her!"

"So Omega recognized her as Missouri." Carolina concluded. "...can't imagine Omega even liked her. I know Sigma had a strange irritation and obsession about her, he was convinced that she was a "he", for some reason."

Quincy stared before she looked down at her midriff, at the circular device that contained the AI formerly known as Omicron.

The only issue was...he didn't exist anymore, only the abilities was passed on to her. The device was just the reason why she were alive.

"When I was inside the Meta...Sigma kept saying I was Omicron and I was pretending being human. Church...I mean Alpha, got really pissed off at that. Delta tried to make him face the facts, that Omicron doesn't exist anymore. He didn't let it go...even when the EMP hit."

Carolina glared up at the skies. "Epsilon showed me part of your memories, when you were out of it. Omicron is really a part of you, isn't he?"

"Yeah, kinda." Quincy said and her hand clung tightly at the front of her shirt. "Epsilon said that Alpha made Omicron because he felt lonely and wanted someone to talk to, he wasn't a fragment like the others. It was like he just used the core of his heart and made it into something entirely new. Like a part of him, but still different."

"Ooooh, so Omicron were like a brother to him? The first one he made from his heart!" Donut chirped.

Quincy pulled her knees against her chest. "But then Delta said that the Director took Omicron from Alpha, he was becoming too...human. And Delta said that Omicron was needed to save my life apparently."

"Because you were dying." It was York and he slumped down at the ground, on his back. "Delta filed me in the details, since he recalled the events. You got really sick and amost died, I guess raising a kid in Freelancer weren't that great with some mom to care for you. What I heard, Omicron were a special AI. He could heal. But it wasn't enough, so he decided to merge with you."

Quincy stared. "So Sigma is right? I'm actually a "he"?"

"Hell no, you're a girl since you were born. The Omicron guy just decided to give up his physical form forever to save your life. Delta said that neither of you could exist at the same time, so the guy became a part of you."

"Theta said Sigma wanted to be a human. That's why he made the stupid plan about the Meta." Quincy said, recalling the milli-second long events inside the Meta, what was said and done inside the...pocket dimension.

York hummed. "Yeah, what a dick. But trust me, you are Quincy the whole time. Just 20% cooler with some badass AI powers."

"The first human with AI powers." Carolina said. "No wonder the UNSC was after you. You would've become a great weapon for them, a real super soldier." She crossed her arms again. "A threat."

"A threat to who? I don't even want to fight anymore!" Quincy protested.

"That's the problem. They would've dehumanized you, reducing you into an organic weapon than a living human with rights. The Director planned on it after all, calling you a wildcard of all things."

"I really don't want to remember that, I didn't asked for that!" Quincy were seething of irritaion.

York gave a nervous laugh. "Whoa, okay! I'm gonna fix the tables together, Simmons said everything needs to be prepared."

"You're actually volunteering, York? Shame on you...after all our bonding." Grif came up and pulled up a pack of cigarette.

"And you're not smoking inside, Grif? You never give a shit." York countered.

The Hawaiian shrugged. "Simmons kicked me out."

York made a whiplash sound with a snicker. Grif answered with pulling up the middle finger at him.

* * *

Simmons shrieked.

"We're not putting nitroglycerin in the Blues' potatoes!"

"You're sure, son? We can always spruce up their meals a tad bit." Sarge said, clearly unbothered. "Make 'em explode a bit, hehe."

Grif yawned bored. "Yeah, like that works on Church for once."

"Sarge, it's Thanksgiving!" Quincy whined. "It's first time we'll get together since forever! No one is gonna kill us, no more Freelancer or even the Meta! We're free for real!"

Their sergeant scoffed irritated. "Nonsense! What's the point of a good Red tradition going to waste without exploding any Blue dirtbags?!"

"Free food?" Grif snorted.

"Aw, come on, Sarge." Donut chirped. "It'll be fun!"

"Besides if we're lucky, we might even drink York under the table." Quincy grinned. "Remember the first Christmas we had at Blood Gulch and he was with us on Tex' orders?"

Simmons shuddered at the memories. "You mean that time both York and Grif had a drinking contest, which resulted in breaking into Sarge's secret stash and then decided it was good idea to make a new kind of bomb with vodka, whiskey, a few grenades while they drive in the Warthog?!"

"We re-created the coolest scene from Dukes of Hazzard, Simmons! Because someone bailed out last time!"

"We had a different activity going on back then!" Simmons protested. "You said you liked it!"

Grif rolled his eyes. "Hell yeah I did, like the only time we got some private time without Donut poking his nose in our business and Quincy, for once, was with Tex."

Sarge growled. "Are you two numbnuts ever gonna tell what in the Sam Hell you did in the shade for two hours?!"

"Well, we could tell what we weren't doing-" Grif started.

"Ah, forget it." Sarge muttered. "Idiots...York!" He barked and made everyone jump, including the mentioned ex-Freelancer who tried to sneak inside he base. "Where the hell have you been, son? The dirty Blues needs some blasting and you agree with me!"

"Uh...securing the Red perimeter, sir." York grinned. "I came back to secure some snacks."

"Grif is a horrible influence on you, Private York!" Sarge yelled at him while Simmons had one of his incredibly jealous glares at York, but the tan soldier just shrugged with an easy smile. "See, already corrupted my best soldier. Absolutely diabolical!"

Grif smirked. "No argument here."

"I think it's just important to not forget some classy Red traditions, sir." York played along, not in the mood to remind Sarge that he didn't technically belong to Red Team. But well, details. "Besides, Caboose will probably accidently blow up Church again with some cookies and if we try to blow up more Blues, Carolina will probably kick our asses again."

"Hrm...good call, York. Take 'er out after she's eaten." Sarge chuckled. "Reminds me of my third date..."

Quincy blanched. "Ew, gross!"

"I need bleach about that image in my head." Grif muttered displeased.


End file.
